


Don't Pretend You Ever Forgot About Me

by handcversbruise



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-17
Updated: 2013-09-17
Packaged: 2017-12-26 20:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/969711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handcversbruise/pseuds/handcversbruise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"(Part of him thinks he messed up on purpose, but that’s something he doesn’t want to think about.)"</p>
<p>Or the one where Zayn has an anxiety disorder, a slight dependence on Valium, and fucks things up a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Pretend You Ever Forgot About Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [catholicschoolgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/catholicschoolgirl/gifts).



> I was analyzing Zayn's rumoured infidelity one day when my brain screamed, "WHAT IF HE HAD AN ANXIETY DISORDER" at me. This happened.  
> Thanks to Harry for being the most encouraging beta ever, dedicated to Jasmine who is the wind beneath my wings.

Zayn is floating.  He’s sitting on his lumpy couch, curled up into Niall’s arms, and he’s floating. He’s relaxing for once, everything feels so easy when he’s at home with his roommate and his pills. Sleepy doesn’t begin to describe what happens after he takes an extra Valium, Niall’s concerned shouts never enough to keep him awake.

 

***

He feels dumb in the morning but this happens too often to be surprising. There’s a pattern to it by now. He gets upset, begs Niall to let him take a double dose of his medication, does something monumentally stupid, and regrets it the next day.   
Today’s no different. He wakes up twenty minutes before he’s supposed to be at the college to fill out paperwork. As he rushes out the door with hardly any time to greet his roommate, Zayn vows to get his life together.

 

***

 

He’s not good at being normal. Actually, according to his therapists, he’s got a general anxiety disorder. They tell him it’s nothing bad, that it’s completely manageable. Zayn thinks they must have never had a panic attack because he’s never felt anything but overwhelmed by it.

Niall’s probably the only person who sticks around when Zayn needs someone. He’s seen him at his worst, never judges his behavior, never oversteps the boundaries Zayn’s not sure they ever talked about. Niall tells Zayn stories on the nights when he can’t sleep, holds him close and promises it’ll get better. Zayn lies awake in his arms  and appreciates the lies.

So Zayn’s not good at being normal and he’s nervous all the time. He can’t control the way his mind races when he gets upset but he’s trying to be better, trying so damn hard for Niall’s sake, but he nearly second guesses everything when the universe throws Louis back into his life.

 

***

 

The meeting at the college is going so much better than expected considering he was 10 minutes late. The counselor is a lovely woman named Caroline who helps him pick his classes and apply for extra grants. By the time he leaves his smile is almost genuine.

He’s on the bus heading back home before he lets himself think back to his earlier encounter with Louis. He thinks of the shock he felt when Louis said his name, when his blue eyes met Zayn’s and when he smiled. Zayn hates how he couldn’t tell Louis to piss off (couldn’t speak at all, really) and how he ran from the situation. He counts to 50 in an attempt to yield off anxiety. It doesn’t work. He texts Niall to have his medication ready for him when he arrives.

 

***

 

Work is really hard. Zayn’s not lazy but sometimes he can’t do it. Liam is understanding, doesn’t cut his hours even when he calls in sick, and always asks if Zayn needs anything. Zayn thinks Liam might understand the disorder--might understand him--but all the good thoughts about his boss he’s acquired over the months are thrown away when Zayn rushes into the shop (barely 5 minutes before his shift begins) and sees Louis hugging Liam.

Zayn leaves early that night. Niall kisses his temple when he helps Zayn get into bed. He feels like a burden, knows he’s too much for most people. His nightmares remind him of that too.   


He falls into a routine of school, work, and Niall, with underlying layers of pure anxiety. He deals with it. He comes home from his class--an English course at some ungodly early hour--and finds Niall sitting with Louis on their couch. Zayn locks himself in his room and doesn’t come out for seven hours.

He understands in theory that Niall (his best friend) is in love with Louis (his ex boyfriend, if that.) He’s known this since they were teenagers and Niall was too drunk to guard his mouth. He let Zayn badmouth Louis after the breakup, never once inquiring about their relationship. It doesn’t change anything. He lets Niall be in love and Niall lets him be.. whatever he is.

 

***

 

Zayn’s drinking. His professor gave him a harsh review of his first paper and Liam had yelled at him for being late. He’s dealing with it by hanging out with Jack Daniels; Niall reminds him it’s dangerous to mix alcohol with his medication. Zayn responds with _so is loving a cheater_. Niall leaves him alone.

Zayn’s over it, most of the time. He usually laughs when he remembers catching Louis in bed with his neighbor, Eleanor. Zayn would have forgiven him (especially since he was fucking around with Harry, Louis’ best friend, behind his back) but he didn’t like that Louis was sloppy enough to get caught.

It’s blurry in his mind when he tries to remember Louis. He thinks at one point that they may have had something good, but he can’t remember when. He’s trying to recall their first date when Niall texts him, “ _gave Lou your number. Patch things up? For my sake_?” He takes three Valiums and a shot of whiskey in anticipation of a text that never comes.

 

***

 

His first fall term is halfway over before Louis contacts him. There’s no greeting, no preamble offering peace, just an invitation to hang out with Liam and his boyfriend, Niall, and Louis.

He sends a reply of “ _yeah all right_ ” then turns his phone off. Niall hugs Zayn when he comes home. Zayn puts on a romantic comedy about falling in love with your best friend and wishes he could love Niall in that way. It would be simple, but Zayn’s never been one for “simple” things and he doesn’t want to ruin Niall even more. They fall asleep on the couch halfway through the movie, Zayn’s head resting on Niall’s chest, their legs intertwined.

 

***

 

Liam’s boyfriend turns out to be Harry. The same Harry who Zayn tricked into a fake (mostly sexual) relationship while he was officially with Louis. He laughs for five minutes after they’re introduced; Harry pretends not to recognize him while he keeps his distance.

They’re in Louis’ flat the whole night. He tells stories about his job as a daycare assistant, funny anecdotes about Little Susie or Johnny throwing mud pies around, while Niall beams at Louis from his spot on a nearby chair. Zayn sees his best friend beg for Louis’ attention, can feel the desperation in his failing attempts, and is overcome with such sadness that he begins to struggle to breathe.

He reminds himself that he’s safe in Louis’ living room, but that makes his anxiety escalate exponentially. He’s still so angry at Louis, angry for leaving him (no matter how unjustified his anger may be) but mostly angry at him for leading Niall on.

He tastes something new in his mouth, it freaks him out a lot before he sees that it’s Niall giving him his pills. He loves Niall so much.

Ten minutes pass before his breathing goes back to normal. Everyone is staring at him, but he’s used to that after an episode. Niall’s the first one to move, but he has enough tact by now to lead Zayn into another room before speaking.

“ _You all right, mate_?” Zayn begins. He’s trying to make sure Niall knows he doesn’t particularly want to talk about what just happened.

Niall’s blue eyes stare him down. “ _You need some help, Zayn. You haven’t been this bad in ages_.” Niall’s not trying to be rude, he’s really not, and Zayn’s always let Niall tell him these things. Niall’s his rock. But he’s pretty sure Niall wouldn’t want to know that part of the reason he’s so worked up is because Louis is back in his life. He owes it to Niall to keep trying.

“ _I’m just stressed. I’m gonna get a cab home. I’ll see you tomorrow_?” It’s a rushed lie and they both know it. Zayn’s asking if Niall’s going to stay here, if he’s going to pick Louis over him, but he’s saying it’s okay. He swallows the jealousy he feels.

Niall looks like he’s about to answer when Louis walks in. “ _You need a ride_?” He smiles so sweetly at Zayn that he can forgive his blatant eavesdropping. Niall looks at Louis like he’s some kind of divine creature as Louis promises he’ll return once Zayn is settled at his flat.

 

***

 

There’s bound to be some sarcastic truth to the lines people give others, Zayn thinks, because he’s hearing Louis explain to Niall that finding him in bed with Zayn wasn’t what it looked like. Niall might be crying, if Louis’ tone is anything to go by. It sounds more annoyed than remorseful and Zayn must be a bad person if his initial reaction is to laugh.

There’s silence outside the door before he hears Louis say, “ _Niall, you and I never had anything_.” Zayn’s stomach ties itself into knots. He feels more guilty when he hears Niall agree (to an empty room, since Louis has already left) but he doesn’t feel anxious. He hasn’t felt anxious since he climbed into Louis’ car last night.

He’s pretty sure he hadn’t planned on sleeping with Louis. The car ride was almost silent, some weird indie music coming from the radio (if Zayn was speaking to Louis, he would have asked if that was Harry’s suggestion), while Zayn watched Louis look completely focused on driving. Zayn caught Louis staring at him a few times and despite the fact that Louis was driving, they ended up holding hands.

Zayn’s hands were shaking when he opened the door to his flat. Louis came in behind him, not bothering to keep his distance.

“ _Do you want some tea? I think Niall has that kind you like_.” Zayn’s voice didn’t crack, it didn’t and he walked over to the couch. Louis shook his head “ _no_ ” and sat down next to him.

He looked at everything but Louis. He stared at the photographs of him and Niall on the wall, the small paintings he’s dedicated to his best friend. He remembers vaguely suggesting Louis left, but then Louis had crawled on top of him, pressing kisses everywhere, and whispered, “ _I miss you_.”

Zayn woke up with Louis next to him, bruises all over his body, slightly nauseated. He hears Louis leave, isn’t surprised when he doesn’t get a “ _goodbye_.” He traces over a particularly dark bruise on his thigh and wonders how long it’ll take Niall to forgive him.

 

***

 

It takes two weeks for Niall to speak to Zayn again. He’s making dinner (or trying to) when Niall calls his name. He thinks he’s imagined it, something his brain made up so he would stop cooking, but he follows the sound into the living room.

Niall’s sitting on the couch and his hair looks blonder than Zayn remembers. He’s staring at his friend, he knows it’s obvious that he’s nervous, but Niall just looks so different that Zayn needs to figure out how. Niall looks over at him, motions for him to come closer.

“ _You cheated on Louis_.” his voice sounds tired, like he’s been crying, and there’s no one emotion in the way he directs this question to Zayn.

Zayn shrugs. “ _Yeah_.” He feels uncomfortable and it’s more than a little strange for Niall to be asking questions. He doesn’t like it. (But he’s slept with the love of Niall’s life, so he can suck it up.)

“ _With Harry. Liam’s Harry_.”

He hesitates. He’s not sure how Niall found that out. “ _Yeah_.”  

It’s fucked up, really, that they’re all connected because of Zayn, but he hopes Niall’s not judging; he needs Niall to understand that sometimes he just does very bad things. He’s biting his lip waiting for an answer and it’s as if all the anxiety he hasn’t felt in weeks comes flooding back. Niall just keeps staring, his usually bright eyes a dull blue. Zayn hates that he’s done that to him, taken so much energy out of his best friend.

Niall exhales. “ _Then you don’t get to be angry anymore, mate._ ” He says this with a finality that’s unusual for his usually laid back demeanor. Zayn nods anyway. Niall repositions himself on the couch and pulls Zayn closer. They fall asleep in each others arms, their dinner completely forgotten.

 

***

 

The thing about being around Louis that is that he likes wreaking havoc upon unsuspecting people. Maybe they’re too old for these pranks, too immature for their own good, but when Louis kisses Zayn and smiles, he thinks it’s all worth it.

Niall thinks they’re dating now, despite  many protests from Zayn. The denials aren’t lies, not to Zayn. Louis has never mentioned a relationship and Zayn doesn’t want one. So. It’s true that they’re not dating. Zayn’s not naive enough to believe it would work out anyway.

Sometimes Louis calls Zayn just to talk, sometimes Louis ignores Zayn for days. Sometimes Zayn stops caring and goes out with other people and refuses to acknowledge what he feels when Louis acts like he’s nothing. (Zayn’s not 16 and in love anymore, he knows Louis and him aren’t meant for anything like that, so he’s going to enjoy it while it lasts.) Everything feels so impermanent to him anyway, it’s like grasping at straws.

It’s a month before his school year ends and he’s waiting for his classmate, a lovely blonde girl named Perrie, to call him back. He’s anxious about it since he sort of fancies her but mostly because if they don’t do well on their project, he’s probably going to fail. He’s constantly checking his phone and the second it rings, he assumes it’s her and picks up.

“ _Pez, babe_!” He’s trying to sound cheerful instead of uneasy, and he imagines he sounds more relaxed than he feels. (He took three extra Benzo’s with breakfast behind Niall’s back.) He giggles because he feels like that’s an accomplishment, albeit an unhealthy one.

“ _Pez? Like those candy things_?” It’s not Perrie’s voice he hears. He’s momentarily confused before he figures out who it is.

“ _No, Pez--Perrie--is my_..” He trails off because he wants Louis to know he hasn’t been waiting around for him. Zayn likes knowing that he has the upper hand, that he can choose to end whatever this is at the drop of a hat. Sex and reduced anxiety aren’t particularly solid relationship builders, in Zayn’s opinion.

He grabs an apple from the kitchen then settles on the couch.

Louis laughs. “ _Zayn you know you’re mine_.” It’s meant to come off as a joke, it’s stated like one, but Zayn knows Louis and knows that it’s not.

“ _I don’t think I’ve wanted to belong to you since I was sixteen_.”

Louis hums in acknowledgement then silence. “ _Come over_.” Zayn hangs up without another word. He shouts to Niall that he’s going out and makes a note to learn to say “ _no_.”

 

***

 

Louis comes over more after that night. He starts bringing food, picks Zayn up in the morning and takes him to class. If Niall’s hurting by seeing them together no one mentions it.

It’s not just sex though that’s a big part of it. Louis brings over books and movies, kisses Zayn with no intention of it leading anywhere and Zayn’s not sure what to make of that. He notices Louis acting weird a few weeks after they spent a night together.

(It says something about the nature of their relationship, or maybe it just says something about Zayn, that he never asks what’s wrong.)

Zayn’s been sleeping with Perrie. He thinks she’s sweet, thinks she could be good for him. But he ignores her romantic advances. The sweetest thing he’s ever said to her is, “ _I’ve been thinking about you_.” (He whispers it in her ear whenever he undresses her.) She sticks around anyway.

Louis sees the scratches Perrie leaves on his back. He stays quiet when Zayn cancels their plans to see her instead. Niall seems happy for him, tells him he looks happy for the first time in months. Zayn doesn’t tell him he’s happy because of what he’s doing to Louis.

 

***

 

In the middle of July Zayn gets invited to a party. Louis is in his room as he’s getting ready, silent as Zayn chats excitedly about his plans for the night.

“ _Stay home_.” Louis is in the middle of his bed, scrolling through his phone, his tone casual but demanding. Zayn frowns at Louis’ suggestion. He’s had a hard week of work since Liam’s remodeling the place and he wants to drink his sorrows away.

He makes a face at Louis. “ _Nah, Pez would be disappointed. S’just a party. I’ll be home later. You gonna stay with Ni_?” He digs into his drawers in search of his stronger pills, the ones he takes when he wants to have more fun. He finds them and begins to pour out a handful when Louis appears next to him. Louis looks angry as he slaps the tablets out of his hand.

“ _What the fuck, man_?!” Louis is acting like a dick and Zayn’s not in the mood to deal with it.

“ _Are you ever going to deal with your issues or are you going to keep running away_?” Louis can go fuck himself because only Niall can say that but he wouldn’t, and what does Louis even know since it’s not like he’s ever had to deal with something like this. And it’s not even Zayn’s fault. (The anxiety is manifesting itself in his thoughts but he’s not sure he can stop it.) So fuck Louis, fuck Perrie, fuck everyone except Niall.

He’s shaking but he sort of wants to punch Louis and he will, just as soon as he calms down. He wants to make him cry, wants to tell him just what he thinks about him and his life, but his vision is going blurry and he’s not sure he’s breathing properly.

The room feels too hot, it’s making his skin crawl. He can’t tell if Louis is yelling or if his brain is; all he hears is “ _Get yourself together. What’s wrong with you_?” Counting to ten isn’t working out that well, neither is recalling the tricks his therapists tried to teach him. He kind of hates himself for not listening (hates himself for a lot of reasons). His personality is shit, he’s useless at dealing with emotions, can’t even have a good relationship; he knows it’s not him thinking these things but that doesn’t make them any less true. He pinches himself hard enough to bring him back into the moment.

Louis is still in his room and it’s all too much so he does what Louis says he always does and runs.

 

***

 

Zayn hasn’t seen Liam with Harry in months--not since Niall made them all hang out and Zayn’d fucked it up by being broken-- and only sees Liam at work. Liam probably knows about his past with Harry (who doesn’t he have a past with?) but he’s never mentioned it or been uncharacteristically mean to Zayn. Somehow that makes it okay when Zayn shows up at the coffee shop late at night.

Liam is confused by not entirely surprised when he opens the door. Louis might have texted him after their fight.

“ _Hard day_?” Liam asks. Zayn nods as he goes inside. Liam locks up the front and leads the way to the small apartment behind the shop.

Zayn’s throat feels tight as he tries to explain what happened. He gets out a strangled “ _Louis_ …” before it’s too much. There’s no way to properly explain that he’d overstepped boundaries because there were none set in the first place.

Thankfully Liam doesn’t ask for any more information. They make their way to the upper part of the store where there’s a small but well maintained studio. (Zayn tries not to notice that Liam doesn’t live with Harry.)

“ _Fancy something to ea_ t?” Liam’s so fucking considerate, especially to Zayn. It’s just his way of being. Zayn hasn’t eaten in a while but he feels bad enough about showing up that demanding food would make it worse.

“ _No thanks, I won’t be long. I just need to calm down_.”

Liam gives him a look like he doesn’t believe him. “ _No, you’ll stay as long as you need. Harry’s out of town for a couple days, you can keep me company_.”

Zayn’s good at that. He’s good at being a momentary comfort. He can read people well--his therapists call it manipulation, Zayn thinks he just likes attention. (Who doesn’t?) He smiles politely at Liam and nods. He can keep Liam from missing Harry.

 

***

 

They’re not drunk when it happens the next day. Zayn’s not the one who starts it, which is a surprise. He figures Liam’s always had something for him though. He doesn’t think too much about it.

After Liam’s initial move--he’d hugged Zayn from behind and placed a small kiss by his ear, mumbled something about how Harry didn’t have to know--things get heated. Zayn finds himself constantly pushed up against walls, biting Liam’s neck as  their hands wander to the front of each other’s  jeans, and it’s all messy and passion and guilt free sex for the rest of the afternoon. Zayn feels comfortable. They have two days before Harry comes home from some dumb photography seminar Liam tries to be excited about. He spends the days wearing Liam’s clothes, spends the nights writhing underneath him.

He’s isolated from everyone and he feels good about it. Liam tells Zayn this isn’t going to happen again, not after Harry comes back, and Zayn doesn’t care. He doesn’t care when Liam tells him he “ _just wanted to see if he was missing anything_ ” and he doesn’t cringe when Liam says “ _he’s just as good as he’d heard_.”

On the second night Liam tells Zayn they should make it count. They fuck until they can’t anymore. Zayn falls asleep curled up next to Liam, naked and sweaty, completely spent. Harry finds them like that the next morning.

 

***

 

The thing is that even as Harry yells at him, cursing his entire existence, Zayn doesn’t regret it. Liam’s fit as hell and a great fuck--Harry should take better care of his belongings. He wishes he wasn’t getting sloppier though, wishes he was still smart enough to not get caught. (Part of him thinks he messed up on purpose, but that’s something he doesn’t want to think about.)

He leaves the studio eventually, as Harry throws something at Liam. Zayn laughs at them. He’s started walking back to his place when he wonders if he has work later.

The walk is long and he’s half expecting Louis to be on his couch when he finally arrives. No one’s home. Zayn grabs a beer from the kitchen, turns his phone on, and heads to his room. He doesn’t want to be visible when Niall gets home.

He replies to texts from Perrie ( _“Why didn’t you show up?” “Are you ignoring me?” “Zayn, please tell me what I did_ ”), skims over the rest. Some are from Niall, some are from Louis, one from his sister (he deletes that one automatically); the most recent text is from Niall sent that morning.

“ _You fucked up_.”  

Zayn types out a simple, “ _Yeah_.” He falls asleep before he gets a response.

 

Four hours after he arrives home, Niall opens his door. He’s carrying a pizza box and Zayn can tell he’s worried. Pissed, but worried.

For a second he feels guilty about the messy situations he’s always putting Niall in. He doesn’t enjoy seeing his friend look so tired, so drained, and hates that it’s always Zayn who does that to him. Zayn’s in bed, half hiding under his blankets, but he waves Niall over. Niall crawls into bed next to him, leaving the pizza on his bedside table.

Silence.

“ _I’m sorry_.” Zayn is, he really is. Maybe not for the right reasons (because he doesn’t think he’ll ever regret fucking Liam) but he’s sorry for what Niall’s going through.

He rests his head on Niall’s shoulder, his familiar scent making Zayn feel at home, and he feels like crying. It’s an easy way out of a lecture, if he’s honest, but it’s not like he can stop it.

“ _I don’t know why I can’t stop fucking everything up_.” It’s not what he should be saying but it’s the truth, and maybe this is as close to self analysis and he can get.  He sniffles. “ _Please don’t hate me_.” Niall’s holding him tightly, still silent but comforting, and Zayn contemplates feeling bad before deciding against it. Feeling bad won’t stop him from doing it again.

Niall rearranges them on the bed so they’re spooning, Zayn still sobbing quietly. “ _Go to bed, Zayn_.”

So he does.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
